Category Archives: Humorous Things

Dragon’s Loyalty Award!

dragonsloyaltyaward1

With a glassy rustle, a dragon stretches a great green wing of feather-like translucent scales. It yawns, revealing several rows of sharp teeth and a pair of upward-curving, no-nonsense tusks. Resettling its wings, it pricks a pair of mule-like ears forward and peers out of the blog with emerald eyes.

Right, blog award.

Hello! My author, Jubilare, has asked that I not give my name here. She’s trying to keep her WIP’s mostly private until they are, ah, more prepared for the world, or the world is more prepared for them. I forget which.

But considering the name of this award, she felt that I should be the one to accept it. I don’t see why. I have very little to do with the day-to-day running of the blog, but she insists that she never would have started writing but for me. So here I am.

From the limited information she has given me, (research, dear, always research), the Dragon´s Loyalty Award is “presented to blogs with exceptional content.”

It is a great honor to accept this award. From the name, I assume that, lost somewhere in the shadowy (ahem, un-researched) history of this award is either a dragon who awarded it to a particularly loyal blog, or else it was awarded to a particularly loyal dragon who blogs. Not being a blogger, myself, I can’t really relate.

Jubilare: Um, buddy? can we try to get this in under 1000 words?

Not it you interrupt me we won’t.

Jubilare: Maybe I should’ve asked one of your brothers…

Which one? The one who makes me look laconic? The one you’d have to bribe? Or the one who’d actually make you do hours of research beforehand? Oh, or how about the one that hates you?

Jubilare: …Carry on.

Wings are re-shuffled, and the dragon draws a long breath.

Right. Well, as I was saying, it is an honor to accept this award on behalf of this blog. It, the blog, I mean, was awarded this prize by one Stephencwinter, whose blog my author greatly enjoys. Thank you, Mr. Winter! Visit my home some time. I’ll buy you a drink and show you around.

This award carries with it several requirements. Hold on.

The dragon holds out a scaly hand, complete with talons, and accepts a  poster-board from Jubilare. It looks like a post-it-note in the dragon’s grasp.

First: Display this award on your blog.

Jubilare: Done.

Great. Next we announce our win with a post and thank the Blogger who awarded us. …I’m doing that right now, yes?

Jubilare: yep

Excellent. Now, we present this same award to 15 meritorious bloggers. Fifteen? This thing must multiply faster than rabbits.

Jubilare: I, uh, only have 12.

I see. Well, it looks like we don’t get to accept the award because my author doesn’t know how to follow rules.

Jubilare: Hey! Stephen didn’t do fifteen, either, and he still got to accept it.

The dragon grins toothily and flicks one ear. Oh, all right. If the award police come for me, though, I’m giving you up. I won’t go down for your crimes.

The twelve blogs Jubilare would like to nominate are… flips the poster-board and thrums the fingers of one taloned hand on the ground like a snare-drum-roll

Bekindrewrite – All shall love her, and despair!

Dreaming of Other Realms – an epic storyteller from “Kiwiland”

The Egotist’s Club – A magnificent menagerie of muses.

Grimmella – How can she not be awesome with a blog-name like that?

Lovethebadguy – Delightfully wicked

Pages Unbound – They read books. Lots of books. And tell us about them!

A Pilgrim in Narnia – already has one of these, that should tell you something

Res Studiorum et Ludorum -Profoundly Geeky, and Geekily Profound

Soughing of Pines – This dragon’s particular friend. Writer and Renaissance woman.

Strange Figures – Painfully honest, in a world in desperate need of honesty

Technicolorlilypond – Just as colorful as it says it is

The Warden’s Walk – Should be called “The Warden’s Fabulous Hat”

Now I must link them?

Jubilare: I just did.

And… let them know of their being awarded.

Jubilare: We’ll do that after we finish here.

You mean I will, don’t you.

Jubilare: I’ll help!

Alright. Last item on the list.

The tip of the dragon’s tail swishes.

Write seven things about you. …is that me-you or you-you?

Jubilare: I think it’s supposed to be me, but make one of them about you, just in case.

Hm. Well, Jubilare is obsessive. And I do mean obsessive. When she’s trying to work through a scene, she will sometimes listen to the same song, or handful of songs, for HOURS. IT’S HORRIBLE. And when she’s found something to obsess about, it is very hard to derail her to anything else.

She also loves almonds. She eats them all the time. Perhaps that ties in with the obsession issues.

What else… despite being obsessive, she is also easily distracted. While it is hard to get her off something she is obsessing over, it is equally hard to get her to focus on tasks. Very annoying when one is trying to get her to write.

I also think she is rather sweet, even when she’s glaring at me, like right now.

That’s what, four? Hm. Five would be that she is something of a pyromaniac. Not an arsonist, mind. She’s been well taught not to burn other people’s things without permission, but she loves fire. As a dragon, of course, I approve.

Six. She has a thing for creatures, like dragons, bats, creepy-crawlies and such, that are often reviled. Even as a kid, I was her imaginary friend. Every child should have a dragon, don’t you think?

Seven needs to be about me? Well, I love apple fritters and whiskey, not necessarily together. Please send apple fritters and whiskey by way of my author.

Thank you all. It’s been surprisingly fun.

Are we in under 1000 words?

Jubilare: Shockingly, yes. Thank you, oh dragon-mine. Here’s the list of “requirements,” that are optional, and will break the 1000 word limit, alas!

  1. Display Award on your Blog.
  2. Announce your win with a post and thank the Blogger who awarded you.
  3. Present 15 deserving Bloggers with Award
  4. Link your awardees in the post and let them know of their being awarded.
  5. Write seven interesting things about you.

Liebster Award!?

lieber-award

My friend David, of The Warden’s Walk, has given me permission to steal the introductory paragraph from his Liebster Acceptance Post. He puts it better than I can:

I’ve been given the prestigiously obscure Liebster Award, in which one blogger with fewer than 200 followers writes trivia and answers to random questions about themselves, and then tags a bunch of other bloggers with fewer than 200 followers to write more trivia and more random questions. My eternal thanks to Lady Blue Whimsy for sharing the fun with me!

As far as I can tell, this serves 2 purposes. It spreads the word about obscure blogs to enjoy, and it is entertaining. Thank you for my nomination,

The rules, according to Lady Blue Whimsy are these:

1) Expose my readers to the randomness of my soul.

2) Supply my nominator with answers to her queries.

3) Impose this honor and task upon others deemed worthy.

4) Notify said worthies.

5) Demand said worthies to expose the randomness of their souls.

6) Give thanks.

Being the contrarian that I am, I shall undertake these tasks in reverse order. Therefore:

Thank you, Lady Blue Whimsy, for nominating me and providing such an entertaining post in the process! I am glad and flattered that you enjoy my blog enough to have thought of me.

As for making demands of my nominees, I cannot. Instead, I merely thank them for creating blogs that I enjoy, point others towards them, and give them the opportunity to have fun with this award if they so wish! If they do so, here are my questions for them (and for any other friends or fellow bloggers who like the questions and want to answer them):

5 Questions for the worthies!

1. If you could walk into a book and make a home there, where would that home be, what would it be like, and what sort of people/creatures would you try to befriend? Specifics would be fun and you can give more than one answer if you like.

2. Name a food you have read about, but never eaten, that you have since wanted to try. It doesn’t have to actually exist. What, in the reading, piqued your interest?

3. Do you have a favorite plant? If so, what is it and why do you like it so much?

4. What fictional character is your favorite hero (male or female), and what villain really scares you and why?

5. There is a crossroad at your feet. Behind you lies the path back to home and hearth (wherever that might be). The road directly ahead leads to a city, blue in the distance, settled among hills and on the edge of a bright inland sea. To your right lies a steep climb into old, low mountains clothed in forest and fern. To your left is rolling farmland that eventually flattens out into broad plains dappled by the clouds overhead. You can go as far as you like on any of the roads (even farther than you can see), including back home. There’s no wrong answer, only the where and why.

Consider them notified, as of your reading this (though not as of my typing it. What an odd idea that is to me!)

Now we come to it. Many whom I would love to link have already received this “prestigiously obscure” award from others. I’m not sure what the rules are on re-awarding, therefore I will stick to ones who, as far as I know/remember, have not received this one yet.

So without further ado, my nominees are (in reverse alphabetical order)*:

Technicolorlilypond – Photographer, scientist, crafter, writer and avid reader. And I do mean “avid.” This Renaissance Woman puts me to shame with the number of books (many of them dense and difficult) that she consumes.

StrangeFigures – I suspect this lady has more than 200 followers, but my feed only says 163, so here she is. Sharon is bold, witty and not afraid of a good debate. In fact, she seems to know very well that no one can grow or learn unless they are challenged. She certainly challenges me.

SoughingofPines – She does not post often in this venue, but perhaps some day she will. At any rate, she is a dear friend, an excellent writer, a kind heart and she plays the cello. Also, martial arts. You have been warned.

TheOldBookJunkie – He is a junkie for old books! In his posts on literature, culture, and society he often  challenges me, which is something we all need, and I enjoy our discussions and debates. I think and hope he does too.

Grimmella – A contrarian, like myself. Entertaining and sometimes acerbic reviews as well as other Fantasy-themed posts. She is not afraid to say what she thinks, and I have spent many a happy hour exploring her library of posts. I bet you will, too.

DreamingofOtherRealms – A wonderful dreamer, indeed, and a writer. She is also an inhabitant of New Zealand, which is exciting to me because I have yet to visit any place in the Southeastern Hemisphere. I am always fascinated by the impact location has on an author’s work.

BekindRewrite – And here, I cheat (you knew I would). Bekind definitely has more than 200 followers, but her blog and our discussions have been great inspirations to me, so I must include her anyway. At the least, I want her answers to my questions. If you are a writer, in any stage of the process, Bekind’s blog has useful resources, researched advice, writing exercises and inspiration-fodder. She’s also usually up for a good discussion or debate. Go there!

*If you are not on my list but I read your blog, know that either you have too many followers (and I didn’t want to cheat too much), you have already received this award (that I am aware of) or I was unsure whether or not you would appreciate the attention (the latter applies to family and a few non-internet friends).

Now to what you all have been… or rather what one or two of you might possibly have been waiting for. The questions!

LadyBlueWhimsy asked these questions eight!

1. If you could date a fictional character, whom would it be?

Hmm. Do Hobbits date? If so, Sam Gamgee, though only if Rosie did not exist. Also, I would prefer to be a Hobbit in this scenario.

2. If you could travel either forwards or backwards in time, which one, and why?

Backwards, if only because Forwards would take the fun out of the fun parts and make me wince in anticipation of the rough stuff to come. I’m a worrier by nature, and it is a lot harder to be worried about the past. I’d prefer to be an observer, also, rather than active in this scenario.

3. Vanilla, chocolate, or Superman ice cream?

What is Superman ice cream? Um… Chocolate. And Vanilla. In that order. *holds out hands expectantly*

4. If you had to name your children after your family and relatives, which five names would you pick?

Colleen, Harry, Austin, Wynn and Jenny would be my top picks, I think.

5. What one type of food or dish could you eat every day for the rest of your life?

Fresh Blueberries.

6. If you could be a fictional character, whom would you be?

Who am I most like, or who would I most like to be? I shudder to answer the first possible question, but as for the latter… I want to be Bilbo Baggins. I had to answer either a Hobbit or a Dwarf (yes, I know, my single-mindedness can be tiresome) and Bilbo has the best mix of adventure and happy ending of any of them. What a lucky chap.

7. If you could only write one story in your entire writing life, which would it be?

I suppose I will know if I write it. Right now there are three very close to my heart. One that I plan to finish but not publish is a picaresque following the sometimes-intertwining stories of a thief, several monks, a couple of dragons, a wizard and a deceased were-jackal. Competing for this place is also an epic-length quasi-epistolary story about a vampire. This is partially my rebellion against all things Anne-Rice-to-Stephenie-Meyer, and partially a way to deal with the fact that this particular character is very talky in my head. If I ever manage to write the thing (it intimidates me greatly) it ought to be a different kind of vampire story. And then there is my current focus, which is about three people who have lost their homes and with it their identities, and their adventures in a ghost-story world.

8. If you could change the ending to a favorite story, which would it be?

Well, stories with endings I do not like are usually not my favorites. Endings really can make or break any story. That said, I rather enjoyed the Harry Potter series, but the ending bothers me, A LOT. The one thing I was waiting for the entire series, the revelation that the main characters’ opinions of  Slytherin House were not justified, never came. Oh, some people will argue with me on this point, and even J. K. Rowling seems to have a higher opinion of her Slytherins than she communicated in her stories, but my opinion remains. They were painted with a wide brush, and the end left them with much the same image as the beginning.

And now, apparently, I am supposed to expose you all to eleven random things about myself. Consider yourself warned.

1. I was very excited when I learned that I have Welsh ancestors in my very mixed pedigree.

2. I name my cars, usually according to their make. My first car was Mononoke, my second was Kagura, and my third and current one breaks from tradition. Though it is of Japanese make, its name is Fred. This is mostly because my friend’s new car is named Ginger.

3. While I love Spring ephemerals, my favorite time for flowers to bloom is Autumn. Fall-blooming flowers give the air of being tough as well as bright, and they remind me of someone singing at the close of day.

4. My favorite smell is a tie between woodsmoke and partially-broken-down leaf-litter. You know, that dark stuff that looks like dirt, but doesn’t to stick to your hand and smells earthy and sweet?

5. I am immune to Poison Ivy and allergic to Juniper. Nevertheless, Juniper is one of my favorite trees and I planted several in my yard.

6. I am scared of camel crickets. They aren’t dangerous, but I can’t quite convince my instincts.

7. Despite their being usually full of the above-mentioned crickets, I love caves. I am also fond of elevators and closets. I am not a big fan of the Great Plains or deserts, though I am theoretically glad they exist.

8. I have learned to love reading my Bible. It used to be a chore (and one I would frequently skip), but now it seems to read me as much as I read it, and the interplay makes it truly fascinating.

9. I hate getting my hands dirty, but I love clay, gardening, cooking and various other crafts, like papier mâché. This causes a lot of internal conflict.

10. I hate being pigeon-holed. Every time someone tries to categorize me, my first instinct is to fight their assumptions.  On the flip side, I try never to assume I know the whole of any person. Mystery and uncertainty give birth to doubt, and doubt keeps us active, inquisitive and humble.

11. I love words, but perhaps my favorite one is “gloaming.”  …”Parsnip” is pretty fantastic, too, as is “mountebank.” I had better stop now.

And I believe that is it! I hope you found this massive post entertaining, especially you, LadyBlueWhimsy!

P.S. I meant the part about anyone who wants to try their hand at the five questions I supplied! I would love to hear your thoughts on them, even if you are not among my nominees.


Tagging Thyme Meme: 11 Random Questions

It seems that Raewyn Hewitt was tagged in a meme, but as she is sensitive to the fact that some folks don’t like being tagged (I don’t like being tagged for memes, for the record) she left it up to volunteers. The questions amuse me, and I have nothing else in line for this week, so here you have it! If you want to check out Raewyn’s answers, they are here.

1. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten in public?

Um… this is a harder question than one might think. I ate a penny, once, but that was an accident. If only things eaten intentionally count, it depends on what one considers strange. I’ll leave it up for a vote. The candidates are:

fried scorpion

jellyfish

air potatoes

Spicebush berries

Syrup made from hickory bark

2. If you had to go on an adventure, with elves, dwarves, or hobbits, who would you take and why?

Most of you might expect this to be a no-brainer for me. In truth, though, it’s not as easy as it might be.

Despite the fact that “Thyme” is in the title of this blog, elves (even my own elves) would be my last choice. Even in the best of circumstances, I would feel isolated.

Dwarves would be my second choice because, as much as I have in common with them, I am not a Dwarf, and they can be insular. I hope I would be able to break into their good-graces eventually, but that cannot compete with Hobbits.

Hobbits, though not usually adventurous, have a good track-record for not giving up and for rising to the occasion. I have not seen many reckless hobbits, and they share my love of sleep, food, and natural beauty. Also, on the whole, they are more personable and accepting than the other races.

Ideally, of course, it would be nice to have a mix of traveling companions. Can you get a nerdier answer than that?

3. You are at a rural retreat lodge somewhere deep in Wisconsin or Canada. You are approached by a taxidermist who hands you a stuffed badger and asks you to put it in your lap. What do you do next?

I think my first reaction would be to ask why…

4. If you were given biscotti, would you prefer it with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?

It depends… is it a good biscotti or a cardboard-like one? If the former? Tea. If the latter, then coffee.

5. In your opinion, who is the funniest man or woman alive today (comedian)?

Tough one. I don’t watch a lot of comedians, but I really like Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert.

6. If you were given thirty seconds on television to say something, what would it be?

I’d probably either ignore the camera or attack its operator…

7. What is your idea of the most romantic date setting ever?

Either the Walls of Jericho or Miller’s Cove on a spring night when the blue ghost fireflies come out beneath the hemlocks like will-o-the-wisps.

8. If you could go on one date with a movie or television star, who would it be and why?

I hate questions like this. The thought of going on a date with any film or television star on whom I actually have a crush is horrifying, so that’s out. Once my brain stopped reeling from that unpleasantness, the first thing that came to mind was Hugh Laurie because he seems to have a high regard for one of my favorite authors of all time (P. G. Wodehouse) which would give us something fun to talk about. Also, I grew up on his Bertie Wooster, and I’d like to thank him for that. Obviously, for multiple reasons, this would be a purely platonic date.

9. What is the worst song you have ever heard?

There are a lot of contenders, but my brain collapses in abject horror every time I encounter this one: Friday  .

10. If you could live anywhere else, where would it be?

Three or four hours’ drive east of where I live now. If I ever find a place that sinks into my bones the way the Appalachian Mountains do, I will be very surprised. I’ve seen some lovely places across the world. Nothing has come close.

11. Who – in your opinion – was the greatest person to ever live?

Jesus, but he is a given, considering my faith. Other than him?  Hm… there are too many contenders. I would really love to meet George MacDonald, though. ;)

As Raewyn, before me, I am not going to tag folks, but if any of you want to join in, please do!


Impressively vague bot

This photo belongs to the user Khaki on stockvault.net

This photo belongs to the user Khaki on stockvault.net

Most of the spam I have gotten of late (over twice as much as I used to get) has been mind-numbingly boring. This one, however, impressed me with its level of vagueness and not-saying-anythingness. Behold:

Vague Bot: Most of whatever you mention happens to be astonishingly appropriate and it makes me wonder why I hadn’t looked at this with this light before. This piece really did turn the light on for me as far as this particular subject matter goes. Nevertheless there is actually just one issue I am not really too cozy with so while I try to reconcile that with the core theme of the point, let me observe just what the rest of the readers have to point out.Well done.

Try as I might, I will never achieve such perfect vagueness in so many words!


Authorcide

Just a tidbit for today. I think my characters are trying to kill me.

Last night, no less than five character and plot points resolved themselves in my head. While I was driving.

My fellow authors might know the “grab your notebook” impulse that took hold of me, but I was good! No writing while driving. I kept my hands on the wheel. On a good day, my brain has a hard time holding onto three ideas for more than a few minutes. I reduced the thoughts to their essentials and repeated them to myself.

When I reached my destination, the first thing I did was open my notebook and pen. By that time I only remembered four of the points.

In the wee hours of this morning I woke to a tornado warning. In the distance, I could faintly hear the sirens. I dragged my quilt into the closet and sat with my dog. Asher, my gray cat, was cool and calm, so I wasn’t greatly concerned.

And there, in the closet, in the middle of a tornado warning with wind and rain driving against the house, I remembered the fifth point.

Maybe I am too blasé about tornadoes. I left my refuge and got my notebook.


Victorian Bot?

I hate to do two bot-posts in a row, but I couldn’t just delete this one without sharing. It was posted on Ironic Bots.

Victorian Bot: What i do not realize is in truth how you’re no longer actually much more well-favored than you might be right now. You are very intelligent. You know thus considerably relating to this matter, made me individually consider it from a lot of numerous angles. Its like men and women are not fascinated until it is something to do with Girl gaga! Your personal stuffs great. Always care for it up!

I know, thus considerably relating to this matter of numerous angles of men and women not being fascinated by anything but Girl gaga. 

I love this bot’s  vague attempts to use slightly archaic language.  I anxiously await the advent of Shakespeare Bot, Chaucer Bot, and Beowulf Bot.


Ironic Bots

The irony of the following bots are that they posted on “Suggestions, please.” I will allow the irony to flower without further comment.

Ironic Bot #1: Woah this weblog is excellent i love studying your posts. Keep up the great work! You understand, many individuals are searching round for this info, you can aid them greatly.

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